Joseph Cooper
Creative Writing
20 February 2014
Between
When he leaves,
She just waits.
Waiting for another one
To come and rescue her.
The between time:
It's empty, alone
And,
Full of tears.
She's spinning in a
Whirlpool, but she
Doesn't know it. She
Only knows of loneliness.
She's lost in the water,
All alone.
Trying to exit the
Whirlpool, she swims.
She begs for it to end;
Pleading to nothingness,
Asking for forgiveness
To sins she's never committed.
The whirlpool transforms
Into a cluttered room,
But all she can see is a bottle.
The bottle is filled with pills.
Looking at the bottle,
She knows
Her problems can end.
9 comments:
Hi Monique,
Before I get into your piece I just want you to know this isn't a prose poem. A prose poem is written in paragraph form containing sentences woven with figurative language.
That being said, I really enjoyed your macabre poem.
I love the image of water coming into play in poetry because it automatically invokes Hamlet's Ophelia drowned, petals afloat in the water. But your water is spinning, which is interesting furthermore because we think of water spinning clockwise, so time is moving, but for your protagonist time has stopped, or at least convoluted because she is in between time. What is in between time? Can we even envision such a place? I love it! So she is spinning, begging for its end, drunk on love and loss, and then even more enticing, she confesses to sins she's never committed. Why does she do this? She tries every possible angle, even apologizing for someone else's crimes. That is the epitome of desperation.
I do think that since you carry us through this panoramic exploration that it seems too narrow, too simple to conclude with pills. Is there another alternative, some other abstraction that can satisfy her, alleviate her woes? I think there must be. Unless of course her falling into cliche is a necessary design for her reliance on love for self-worth. Hmm...very intriguing indeed.
Excellent work!
Prof. Cooper
Hi Monique,
I liked how you compare the feeling of loneliness to spinning in a whirlpool and trying to swim out of it. The image of drowning is very strong. Really liked your line "pleading into nothingness" and "asking for forgiveness to sins never committed" because it brings to mind the desperation of someone so in love that they are willing to do anything to hold on to that person. Curious about your intent with the pills - suicide or self-medicating into oblivion?
Denise Bateman
This piece is so heavy, but I enjoyed it all the same. I love your use of the image of the whirlpool to signify chaos or a sense of helplessness/doubt. Also, "The between time" is a fascinating idea; it's so abstract and completely up to the imagination. A great read!
Hey Monique! I really enjoyed your poem, and your imagery of the whirlpool was nice. I like how in depth you made the water with the emotions she feels. I also really liked how the whirlpool transforms into a room filled with clutter. I would however suggest going more into depth about her surroundings in the room. Does she have more options from her surroundings? Can she be saved? Does she indeed find an escape?
I like the use of the metaphor in between what she is waiting for and another person to come in her life and rescue her. The poem is very descriptive and the verses flow freely to make it easy for the reader to associate. I would consider adding more figurative language in order to make the reader think more about the deeper meaning of the piece.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
Hi Monique!
I really loved your poem. It immediately make me think of a love being lost either because it ended and someone walked away or it ended with someone passing away. The grief in this poem is powerful and palpable.
I like the symbolism that you utilize in the poem. Sometimes water is symbolic of rebirth and renewal, but in this case it's literally killing her slowly. The water being a metaphor for her grief of course. Her grief is an endless circular cycle of loneliness and despair where all she does is go around in circles without stopping. This imagery creates a feeling of hopelessness (in my opinion anyway). No matter how hard she tries she just can't break out of her own misery until...she spies the pills. It's like they become a shining beacon of salvation for her in the end. It's very powerful.
Thanks for sharing such an amazing poem and I look forward to reading more of your work in the coming weeks.
~Crystal
Hi Monique,
I enjoyed your work. It was very depressing and had that feeling of despair and wanting of someone. Very nice work.
Deyanira Bustos
Monique,
I must admit I'm a sucker for tragedies, and majusculation. The context of this story is truly moving and I really enjoy it. I really like how you leave details out, leaving some parts open to interpretation for the reader. I would love to know how this ends and I'm hoping that she chooses another alternative. I like the ambiguity here, I feel like it fits.
Thanks for sharing!
Claire Smithers
Monique,
This was really good but the ending certainly was not what I was expecting. Though I’m not sure what it was I expected. The whirlpool as a symbol for the chaos of the girl’s life is really powerful. I wonder if it represents anything else. The imagery overall seemed lacking but it worked. The focus was really on the girl’s struggle. Your cadence was effective too, helping to contribute to the sharpness of her feelings. Good job!
Rebecca
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