Denise Bateman
Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212 Y
February 27, 2014
Invisible Man
He plants himself on the iron park bench, corner of Fourth
and Cherry, and waits for his invisibility shield to evaporate. Some days is
does, most often it does not. Unshaven, unfed, unknown, but worst of all,
unseen, he watches in silence as a myriad of passer-byers parade past. He is
anonymous and undefined, lest the fading Semper Fi tattoo on his right arm. Battle
of Mekong Delta, 12/04/67. Hundreds of stories hidden in him behind those lost
eyes. The curiosity of his hand-me-down shelter shoes, hand-buffed to a bright
black shine that betrays his remaining sense of self-pride. Honorably
discharged. Dishonorably forgotten. Time ticks slowly by. Three more hours until
the soup kitchen opens for lunch. Oorah!
9 comments:
Hi Denise,
This is truly a wonderful piece, encapsulating a singular moment in time, viewing life at an angle atypical to the standard expectation.
I do need to mention an editing detail. You wrote: "passer-byers parade past" and it should be "passersby parade passed" unless you want past (time) instead of passed (motion).
Also, "Some days is does" should be "Some days it does".
Be sure to read more closely.
I love the repetition of 'un' and the negation that accompanies that prefix, somewhat erasing everything the protagonist is into non-existence. It really just emphasizes so well his invisibility.
Also, the fact that he 'plants' himself establishes roots, immobility, frozen in time, in place, so still in fact that he goes unnoticed. He is planted into iron, becomes iron.
You really do provide wonderful attention to detail, but I'm wondering how you could provide further detail via figurative language, more colorful interpretations of him, his purpose, his legacy, his damnation.
Excellent work!
Prof. Cooper
This poem was every written!!! I love the underlying meaning. The amount of imagery you put into describing how the veteran (i think he/she is a veteran) sees the world. I think the diction was well picked and explained the injustice that has happened to him. I like the symbolism used in reference to the invisibility. Very powerful.
--Monique Ahmad
Hey Denise, really enjoyed your piece. The theme of invisibility was touching in the way you used it to depict your purpose. The imagery used to show the situation of the man was wonderfully used. I would enjoy seeing more detail in this work, especially in the personal life of the man. What was his past? What all has he lost? When will he receive what he deserves?
Hi Denise!
I love your piece this week! I think it hits really close to home for a lot of us. I think most people are either related to a veteran or they know one, so this subject touches a lot of people.
I really loved the theme of your poem. I interpreted the theme to be that he didn’t get what he deserves. He’s a veteran who fought for our country, yet he sits alone, homeless, and abandoned on a park bench. Doesn’t he deserve better? I felt like you kept going back to that question throughout the piece. I also loved the symbolism of him being invisible. I think that is true...unfortunately. Everyone has the tendency to ignore things that don’t directly affect them, which often means that things, such as veteran affairs, don’t get the attention that they deserve. I also applaud your use of imagery. You assaulted us with images that portrayed an old, alone, life-battered old man that despite everything remains proud in some aspects. That is a very, very powerful image.
Great job Denise! I look forward to reading more of your work in the coming weeks!
~ Crystal
I really liked your use of figurative language in the title of your piece; even though the man is not actually invisible, the title is an added element. The symbol of the Semper Fi tattoo is especially powerful, since it tells the reader about a part of his past and a tiny sliver of the story that got him to where he is. The highly buffed shoes are also a good image, since they symbolize his hope of being seen again. Good job.
Hi Denise,
This was a very interesting and thought provoking piece that you made this week. I love the title of your work because it encompasses everything that you are trying to portray in the piece. It is very true how many soldiers are forgotten and how they are not acknowledged for all the brave work that they have done in order to provide safety for everyone. Many soldiers die in the attempt while others walk unnoticed. I like the alliteration that you convey in your story through the description of the soldier, "unshaven, unfed, unknown". Great job!
Deyanira Bustos
I like the way you use figurative language to project the image of the character. Also, like how the prose incorporates past present and future. The use of the metaphor, "Honorably discharged. Dishonorably forgotten," touches on a heartfelt subject, while connecting the reader to the character.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
Thanks for sharing
Jason Faulkner
Denise,
This piece is just wonderful, it really spoke to me. It's such a tragedy in this nation and I'm glad you bring light to it. It's a hard cup of tea to swallow but you do a great job of shedding light on this. I really love your use of imagery, symbolism, and assonance. This piece is short and simple, but yet it says so much. Very well done!
Thank you!
Claire Smithers
Denise,
I loved the symbolism of your poem! Veterans being forgotten is such an important issue that you bring to light with your words. The repetition of the "un" in your second sentence adds a nice flow and rhythm to your poem. I liked your use of imagery when you describe his physical appearance as well. I felt that you used assonance your third sentence very well with the "i" sound, also.
Overall I really enjoyed your poem! Good job!
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