Deyanira Bustos
Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212
03/06/14
My house was full with people.
Laughter and voices echoed all around
and everything was very joyful and exciting.
The adults were sitting all around the table
With beer bottles and alcohol everywhere.
They were playing card games.
A huge pile of money was placed at the middle of the table.
They all took their turn and were very tentative and pensive.
It seemed like an interesting game to me.
I would sit and watch in the corner.
I would watch their every move.
It was all very fun and interesting to just sit and watch.
They would tell me I was too young for all of that.
And they were right.
I had no money and I couldn't consume alcohol either.
This would go on for hours and hours, for days.
Sleep was not something that existed or was even thought of.
It was perfect to me.
This would occur every year during winter and summer.
I didn't want those days to end, but when they did,
I would wait anxiously for my family to come back from Mexico and visit again.
9 comments:
Hi Deya,
I liked the tone of joy and laughter in this work. You used very literal language to describe the image of your childhood home filled with family sitting around the table playing games and enjoying each other's company. I could also get a nice mental image of a child sitting in the corner of the room watching in wonderment at all the adult activity taking place in front of her.
What kind of card game was it that they played? Is this a game that you now play since you are an adult? Do the same type of family gathers still take place?
Denise Bateman
Deya,
I think this piece is really great and made me smile. I noticed you used the word "interesting" twice within 2 stanzas next to each other. Possibly use more colorful vocabulary and some strong imagery? I like how this piece is set up, the beginning of the piece sets the tone and setting very well. Between the third and fourth stanza, you switched the way you were telling the story. You went from a specific story to a habitual type of memory. This is a really great cheery memory, I can almost imagine similar times in my life. In the sixth stanza, you write, "Sleep was not something that existed or was even thought of." I'm not sure if it was intentional or not but this is the passive voice and usually it's better to write in active voice.
Great piece, thanks for sharing!
Claire Smithers
Hi Deya,
This is a wonderfully poetic example of lineage, so personally impressionable and unique.
You provide us a delightful story utilizing Realism through literal language, and the rhythm of this piece particularly, through use of enjambment encourages your readers to indulge more completely in this pensive scene.
I'm wondering about dialogue and if their is a place for it in this piece. Also, is there any benefit to extending your poem, perhaps filling in more details about the game, what else was going on around you while they played, what other life experiences were comparable to this, being on the outskirts as a child?
Who wins?
Who loses?
Why?
What happens before and afterward?
Excellent work!
Prof. Cooper
I noticed that you used the word "very" quite a bit throughout this piece; that is not necessarily a criticism but it did create a tone of excitement and anticipation. Even though you don't state it specifically, you still give the reader an idea of the setting and what the scene would look like. I also like you use of literal language; it adds to the simple intimacy of the whole scene.
Deya I love the child like point of view in this piece that mixes with your current maturity. Your subject is unique in comparison to many people, and I really enjoyed the imagery of people playing cards for days at a time. You added a nice joyful theme of family time and the value of seeing those who don't live close by. Your point of view was enjoyable because of how excited and joyful you seemed through your use of diction. I would like to see more added on what others your age would do while you would watch the adults playing.Good job!
Deyanira,
First of all, I really liked the title of your poem. I think it captures your childhood memory of your family visiting very well. Your literal language was great, as it told the story so well of what you felt as a child watching them play.
The tone of this piece is wonderful. I liked that there isn't a clear picture of how this ties into lineage until the last stanza, when we find out that this is your family visiting from Mexico.
I think it would be fantastic if you elaborated even further, and provided more details of their card game visits. How did their visits change as you got older? Did you ever get to play in the games? etc.
I really enjoyed this. Good job!
I like how you used assonance in the third stanza with the words "tentative" and "pensive." I also like how you repeated the word "I" in the fourth stanza because it shows that these are the experiences of the narrator. This poem is free verse and I think it allows us to feel various emotions towards the poem
Hi Deya!
I really enjoyed this piece. You really captured the beautiful simplicity of some family moments. Your descriptions were very vivid and inspired many beautiful images. Your tone was also very straightforward and calm. You were happy to sit and watch, but also very anxious to grow up and be included in this family tradition. I also appreciated the juxtaposition in how the innocence of the piece is constantly contrasted with more adult themes such as gambling and alcohol consumption. You did a great job with this piece!
~Crystal
Deya,
I reallly like your use of literal laguage through to describe your childhood home. The tone seem really full of happiness. The piece had a really good rhythm too. Thanks for sharing!
Rebecca
Post a Comment