Deyanira Bustos
Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212 Y
03/13/14
Life
The sun was shining bright, blasting it's rays across the field.
The air blew roughly and harshly against my skin,
and my hair was tugged by it's strength and was blowing uncontrollably.
The grass mumbled as it jerked and swayed with the wind.
The leafs ruffled, blowing away in every direction.
The smell of the outdoors was wondrous.
The birds flew vigorously across the sky.
They spoke to each other, a sweet and tender melody.
Couples holding hand in hand, frolicked and enjoyed the nice and graceful day.
The cars cascaded themselves forth on the gravel as they drove away.
The clouds pushed themselves upon the sky,
casting shadows on the land.
The shade felt cold and seamed to instill silence.
The tombstones were in rows, with words in carved, portraying their message.
The ground concealed the dead and their remains.
The sight of the graveyard was something remarkable.
So many who had passed away,
they were dug in deep into the earth.
Some left this world with honor, others peacefully,
other a treacherous death.
No one will know what they lived.
The ground covers them up like a blanket,
concealing their secrets.
Life they lived and cherished or dreaded,
but in the end they lived the life God chose for them.
10 comments:
Hi Deya,
This is a delightful piece.
I might consider a less generalized title.
Also, be sure you are using the appropriate form of its/it's. You are, indeed, using it incorrectly.
That being said, I really enjoyed the action of this piece, the forceful descriptions of the wind and the details of its rampant behavior.
You do a wonderful job of painting the scene, showing us the world you are surrounded by.
Stanza 3 opens up so beautifully with the personification of clouds pushing each other, like children on a playground. It's a lovely image.
When you introduce tombstones, I think you need to provide greater context, because a reader sees and wonders how they arrived at this scene. I know where you are, essentially, but never assume your readers have that knowledge.
I do love you touch upon this detail, as I think it's the most important aspect of this piece. It does make me question, though, the opening two stanzas, and their overall significance in this piece. I might consider reducing this poem to your observations of the gravestones/graveyard as these details seem to be most important.
Also, play some more with 'secrets'. I think you have the privilege to assign any number of observations or presuppositions to this idea, based on names on the graves, or simply passing thoughts.
Be sure we know you're walking through the rows, exploring past lives. It's a rather magical concept.
Well done!
Prof. Cooper
Interesting piece, in the beginning the setting is painted as a beautiful day, however in the end the tone gets dark and speaks of death. I would consider using more of the setting in order to explore a centralized theme. However, maybe the metaphor of the two scenes creates the theme and is just an understatement? Either way, I think it’s a great piece that explores the image of life and death.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
This piece is quite unusual in that the graveyard/death theme was brought in rather abruptly, but that is not necessarily bad. You use simile very effectively in the line "The grass mumbled as it jerked and swayed in the wind". This creates a scene that is not as serene as some of the other poems for this week. Your ponderous tone works for the piece, as though you were deep in thought the whole time you were writing. As I read the line "The sight of the graveyard was something remarkable", I could picture God's Acre in my mind and that is a great image since most people know how gorgeous graveyards can be. Lovely piece!
Hi Deya,
Interesting title for a poem that describes a walk by the graveyard, but I like it...a little irony at work there. Great imagery with "cars cascaded on gravel". It works because cascading makes me think of fluidity and movement of flowing water, and cars allow us to have such motion. You really drew a nice picture with your words.
Good job.
Denise Bateman
Hey Deya, I really enjoyed your piece. I love the personification used to describe different elements in nature. You also did a wonderful job with the moment of realization in which you know that you can see these names, but never know who they where or what they suffered through. Your piece was very enriching with it's meaningful subject and underlying symbol of respect for the deceased. Your use of diction and imagery portrayed the scene beautifully, but what else did you see? Was there other elements? How large is this place? Lovely job and can't wait to read more!
Hi Deya!
Your piece was truly magnificent this week. The tone started out nice and calm, but ended up being somber. The tone progressed along with the imagery that you used. The images in the beginning were bright and somewhat positive, but then they shifted into something more somber. You also used rhyme and personification that also helped to make your poem better. You personified the Earth into a living, breathing thing with its own agenda which was an interesting take on things. It certainly made me think. Great work here!
~Crystal
I love the personification used in this piece. You give actual voice to the birds. It is almost from their perspective. I love the images you used when describing Gods Acre (I think you're talking about Gods Acre). They way you explain feeling you get when sitting in the graveyard. Last, I love the diction you chose to choose. It really helps the readers understand how the dead lived a life they were supposed to live.
--Monique Ahmad
Deya,
I thought this was a very thought provoking poem. I like that you expanded on it beyond just the descriptions of nature. The fact that nature is life, but also conceals life with your use of the tombstones.
I loved the personification you added in stanza number two. "They spoke to each other, a sweet and tender melody." That is a very beautiful and lyrical line.
The overall theme of life (as the title suggests) was well explored throughout the poem, so I thought you did a good job with that.
Nice work!
Deya,
I really enjoyed your piece. I think you used great imagery not only visually describing the scene but invoking our other senses as well. Personification of the surroundings really contributed to that. In the first two stanzas, I couldn't quite tell the location until you revealed later on that it was a graveyard. That left me a bit confused. I liked that your tone shifts darker at the end as you talk about death. Wonderful job!
Rebecca
Deya,
I really loved this piece, I think it is so interesting that you wrote about a graveyard. I think your title "Life" is sort of a hint for after you read the poem. After I went back and read the title, I realized why your first half was describing the scenes of life, while the last half of your poem was about the graveyard. At first I was extremely confused to why you were beautifully describing the almost violent scenes of nature and life in such an admirable way. I feel like it has a deeper meaning than just describing the scene around you. It sort of seems like life is beautiful and we carry on with our daily lives, despite the inevitable fate that we will all die. Graveyards can be a reminder for how short our time is, and I loved how you pointed out that we know nothing of the lives of the people who once existed who are now buried under their tombstones. I think instead of splitting the poem into two seemingly separate scenes to contrast them, you could have had alternating stanzas or something, to show more of a connection. Perhaps place yourself more into the story, moving about the story. This piece is wonderful!
Claire Smithers
Post a Comment