Claire
Smithers
Joseph
Cooper
CRWR
212
3/13/14
Midnight
Molecule
Images
flip through my mind like flipping through the pages of a book.
Memories
of the played out beach town revolve in my thoughts,
echoes
of the waves play on repeat like soothing white noise.
The
inky blanket above my head, blotted with tiny lights
tuck
me in on my bed of powdered sugar.
The
space between is swirling with cordial and cool winds.
An
endless pit of darkness spreads before me,
glimmering
reflections persuading me with colliding calls.
I
submerge my body into the dark depths.
The
rushing sounds are soothed by the weightlessness of my soul.
I
float above the water, rising and falling to the beat of the waves.
I
am the tiniest molecule in the universe of the ocean.
11 comments:
I just want it to be known I wrote this piece about my hometown back in Florida. I wrote about a specific memory of going to the beach at night alone, which I did often. I decided to write about the beach because it's all that I can think about lately with Spring Break coming up.
I realize it may not be obvious when reading this piece about what it is and why I wrote it, so I am sharing this background knowledge with you now.
Hi Claire,
First off, I love this title. It's ambiguous, complex, inspires us to remember how minuscule we really are, especially when outnumbered by the vastness and infinite presence of stars.
Omit: "flipping through the" because it's kind of redundant. We grasp your intention, and the simile is tighter without it.
I love the cadence of "played out beach town" as when read aloud almost sounds like a skipping record, and of course the waves repeating only encourages this metaphor.
What is the song we're hearing?
This is the second time I've seen from you/your classmates the inky sky, or in your case, 'inky blanket', which not only provides delightful assonance, but the image itself, the spilled ink,the words lost from its spill, inspires so many questions, the curiosity of what might have been.
It's wonderful!
Yes! The sand as powdered sugar makes this all the more whimsical and fantastical, a candy land of possibility.
I want to know more of the colliding calls. I would think the ocean at night would be otherwise silent, so I'm curious.
I really enjoy how you break up the final stanza into a couplet and single line. There's something very climactic in that, as is of course the intention of a traditional sonnet, to bring forth that final couplet as the twist to the poem itself.
Though yours is not a sonnet of course, you also provide this final twist as we move through your piece believing you are, perhaps, one with these natural elements, but then realize that you are outside them, "the tiniest molecule", which saying so leaves you/us alone, in wonderment of our own mortality.
Beautiful work here Claire!
Prof. Cooper
Interesting work, if I hadn't read your statement I believe I would have gathered the innocence of a child through setting painted in the first stanza. However, I do wonder about the descriptions: "endless pit of darkness, the submergence in dark depts, and why you feel like the tiniest molecule, in the universe of the ocean." It seems like a metaphor of dark and small contrasted by innocence without validation? Words have a way of attaching themselves to feelings as they do things. I would consider assimilating the setting with your subject to closer align the tone and theme. However, I kind of related to the piece on the note of feeling overwhelmed and stressed out from your additional statement which is how I am feeling and can't wait to get to spring break as well.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
Claire, this is such a beautiful piece that captures a single moment in which one feels tiny within the universe. I love your use of metaphor with the line "blotted with tiny lights tuck me in on my bed of powdered sugar". It transports the reader to a beach of that unique, fine white sand that has been ground into a fine powder over the years. Within the first stanza, I pictured a spinning record that had been played one too many times, with the sky being the record and the beach being the turntable. In a literal sense, though, I can still picture the sleepy beach town. Your use of figurative language in your last line blew my mind and I think that it is a universal theme to feel small and insignificant under a big sky. Lovely piece!
Hey Claire,
Beautiful imagery in your poem...I loved the description of the sand on the beach as "powdered sugar", as well as describing the ocean at night as "an endless pit of darkness". I love the theme of the beach as I am drawn to the ocean myself..always feel so small and insignificant as I stand before it. Title of your poem is right on point to me.
Nice work!
Denise Bateman
Hey Claire, your piece was nicely written this week. I enjoy how you use similes constantly throughout your work to explain your thoughts. I like how you started your piece. The photo book element was incorporated nicely. I like the idea you went with here of showing how these affect you. I like how the ocean in your work symbolizes the sea of people in the world. It really creates an image of a sea full of people drifting and flowing through life together. Your use of alliteration with 'colliding calls' brought attention to all of the noise filling your mind. Your style and diction worked well in this piece. Great work!
Hi Claire!
Your piece was very beautiful this week! I really loved the beach theme of your work and how the ocean is so large that it makes you feel like you’re part of something so much bigger than yourself. It’s heady feeling almost. Your use of simile throughout the piece was spot on and I really liked the comparisons you made (your bed of powdered sugar). The similes led to powerful and smile evoking images that made me feel at peace. Great job!
~Crystal
I love this poem! I like simile used in line 3. It compares the sound of the waves around her to be almost blending in with her surroundings. You also use a metaphor to describe your bed. This makes your poem a lot more interesting to read. The imagery used to describe a night at a beach house was very well portrayed.
--Monique Ahmad
Hi Claire,
I really enjoyed your poem and every detail and description. I enjoy how at the beginning of the poem you describe to be flipping images through your mind "like flopping pages of a book" which is a great simile that introduces the speed and how swiftly each images is going by. I love the way you describe the night sky as an "inky blanket" that contains ""tiny lights". This is very nicely described and portrayed and allows the reader to think further on on what's occurring during that brief moment. I also really liked the last sentence of the piece when you state that you are "the tiniest molecule in the universe of the ocean' because the ocean is vast and huge and you are only just one little part that forms it. Very good Job!!
Deyanira Bustos
Claire,
I actually did pick up on the going to the beach at night part. I have never been lucky enough to live at the beach (seriously jealous), but whenever we vacationed I would sit on the beach at night. So your imagery really resonated with me there.
I love the simile you use in the opening line of the first stanza. I also adore the metaphor of the sand being powdered sugar.
The title of this poem, and the call back to it in the last line, is so great. Very profound and thought inspiring.
Good job!
Claire,
This was really wonderful! Your title really intrigued me. I loved the intense imagery throughout. It gave a really great and different view of the beach. I really like the metaphor "inky blanket above my head, blotted with tiny lights tuck me in my bed of powered sugar." It really puts the reader in the place you've created. You used great alliteration throughout as well, starting with the title and also "dark depths" and "colliding calls." Great job!
Rebecca
Post a Comment