Monique Ahmad
Professor Joseph
CRWR
6 March 2014
The Family Continues
Vague memories from my childhood
of things too shiny for me to understand.
What it’s like to experience motherhood:
To pass on memories from your mother to
You your own innocent children.
My Mommie takes out a box too:
It had a lock
and a zipper!
Why so much shock:
Because of all the shine!
So pretty!
Can it be mine:
Please Mommie!
Yes, baby (she smiles at me)
Umm...What is it Mommie:
A pearl and ruby neck less.
Wow! How much is it?
Priceless:
The value your grandmother and mother
give it is endless.
I will love it forever mother:
One day I will have a piece of my family
and I will give it to my children.
Who, hopefully, will pass it on to their family.
The family will continue.
9 comments:
Hi Monique,
I enjoyed your writing about a family heirloom being passed from one generation to another. This is something that is familiar to many of us and helps evoke memories of our own family treasures. Your use of rhyme within the work aided the flow and rhythm of your poem. I also liked the maternal theme in this piece as grandmother passes to mother, mother to daughter, and now daughter dreams of passing to her own later in life.
Denise Bateman
Monique,
I think choosing to focus on a single object to represent family lineage was an amazing choice. I think it's important to remember family heirloom objects and how much memory and significance they hold.
I think it's interesting how you chose to write this piece as if it were being told by you (or the narrator) as a small child, with lines such as, "Please Mommie!", "Because of all the shine!", and "So pretty!"
However, I think that this piece has a more serious message and the tone is more childlike and less serious, almost comical. I'm also curious as to why you chose to use colons at the end of the last line of each stanza. Was this to lead into the next stanza?
I love how your thoughts were brought together at the end and the last line was similar to the title of this piece.
Thanks for sharing!
Claire Smithers
Hi Monique,
First of all, this is wonderful example of lineage both in the sense of tradition, but also in the sense the line, the extension, the thread from one generation to the next. Not only was this something that occurred in the past, but it did so several times and will likely continue, as you stated.
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I really enjoyed how the opening stanza was spaced further from the second stanza than those that follow. It acts, in a way, like a preface. Memory itself is so blinding, so shiny that it's difficult to see it/remember it clearly. Additionally, your use of a colon at the end of the opening verse provides wonderful contrast because, though we are distanced from the remainder of the poem, we know it continues, moves forward.
The tone of this piece is interesting. On one hand I love that it seems youthful, that the speaker is, potentially, a child as I gather from the use of "Mommie". Do you think it benefits the piece to be written from this perspective? Furthermore, would it benefit more so for you to engage the audience solely as an adult in order to better represent the immensity of this gift? Just thoughts...
This is an excellent use of enjambment, and I'm wondering how other figurative language, further descriptions of you, your mother, the jewelry, your surroundings, etc. might encourage a greater sense of appreciation by your reader for the moment, something more to engage them universally.
I really love that you're embracing punctuation. So many writers forget that punctuation is not exclusively a grammatically fundamental prerogative, but also a manipulative tool in getting your point across.
Excellent work!
Prof. Cooper
I love how the necklace acts as a symbol throughout the piece; it really gives a sense of what such a small object can mean over the generations. I also like your use of rhyme with "shine" and "mine" since that is usually the language of children! Your use of punctuation gives the reader a sense of the tone of excitement that the narrator felt as a young girl. I enjoyed this piece and I look forward to reading more!
I love how you used the necklace as a symbol of family ties and the priceless value of family lineage. Your imagery was beautiful and I really enjoyed how you used your diction to morph from a young girl into an intelligent woman who sees the value even beyond her lifetime. Your tone of wonder throughout the piece gave the scene of your mother giving you the necklace all the more wondrous and magical to the reader as they relate to the childlike feeling of receiving something special from a parent.I really enjoyed it. Great work!
Hello Monique,
I enjoyed your piece for this week. I like how you describe the passing on of items from generation to generation. The imagery that you incorporate allows the reader to visualize the shininess and beauty of the necklace. The dialogue that you incorporated into the work also allows the reader to see the child's interest and wonder of the item and how the mother exemplifies the item showing how important and symbolic it is to her. Very nice job!
Deyanira Bustos
Monique,
I quite enjoy the theme of passing on family heirlooms and memories of this poem. The tone of the piece has this sense of youthful wonderment that is great. I like the use of exclamation points to emphasize the excitement felt as a child. I like the implied dialogue in your poem.
I think this is one of your strongest poems so far. It was very entertaining, but also had a nice message and seriousness to it. I think it could be even strong with some figurative language mixed in.
Great job!
Hi Monique!
I really loved your piece. It was a wonderful description of the meaning behind family heirlooms. I also loved the symbolism in the piece in regards to the mother. Mothers are viewed as caregivers, nurturers, teachers, and the holders of tradition, so including your mother in the piece really hit that part home. Your use of metaphor was also a nice touch. There is more to being family than simply sharing genetics, so the heirloom angle was very important. I’m glad you touched on it. I also appreciated the innocence of the piece. The tone was innocent and awestruck. It’s complemented the piece beautifully. You did a really great job here!
~Crystal
Monique,
Ireally liked this. Everyone can relate to family heirlooms. Your use of rhyme contributed to the rhythm of the poem realy well. I also liked the theme of the poem, that connection between a family line. I liked the point of view of the narrator. It seemed like you as a small child. Good job!
Rebecca
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