Denise Bateman
Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212 Y
March 13, 2014
Morning at Salem Lake
Morning breaks as the night’s dew, lingering
like a lover’s kiss, embraces the early greens of Spring
that shyly peek from beneath their blanket
of long ago fallen leaves.
Last remnants of twilight fade as the sun slides upward
on the horizon.
Light reflects off the lake’s surface, winks and flirts
with me in
bright, rapid flashes like those of paparazzi cameras,
bold and invading, daring me not to blink from their brilliance.
The air begins to warm, slightly, waking a gentle breeze
heavily perfumed
with the smell of damp earth, mulch, and evergreens.
Lazily it drifts about me, lethargic, as if it too were
still longing for sleep,
But opts instead to sing along with the robin’s song,
simply happy to welcome morning.
11 comments:
Hi Denise,
This is a lovely poem.
I do want to suggest considering an alternative title, something that is less based on location, perhaps, and more emotional.
The opening stanza seems to contain several mixed actions and reactions, in that we are introduced to a lover's kiss, the passionate, unbridled nature of such a thing juxtaposed with the shyness of spring greens. I haven't entirely decided if this contrast works, but it certainly stands out as memorable. The fourth line, "of long ago fallen leaves" is peculiar in some way, maybe grammatically, but I think it needs some attention.
I love that the "sun slides upward" for so many reasons. You don't expect the sun to slide at all, which is wonderful on its own, but then you realize it's sliding upward furthermore elaborating the strangeness of this observation. It's almost jovial and young, like a child attempting to slide up a slide.
I really love seeing how you become the lover, you and the sun, its scintillating rays. Now, when you include paparazzi I feel immediately your celebrity, something unique and special, something forbidden in this love as it is being adorned by the media, but then this concept fades into lazy and lethargic drift, which has wonderful alliteration, but contextually drops off for me. I really wanted to see where this romance went, its evolution, as the tone of this piece is rampant with curiosity and subtle invigoration.
This might require elaboration, alteration, but that third stanza doesn't necessarily seem to fit with the previous two.
Remember your story, whether intentional or not, is important to your readers' comprehension. So, however lovely these lines are, try not to abandon your narrative.
Excellent work here! Bring on the paparazzi!!!
Prof. Cooper
Great work, it uses the imagery of the setting to create a magnificent scene. The style creates a great comparison of the beauty of a new day versus the description of, "still longing for sleep." You did a great job of giving the reader a sense of theme and tone and keeping them aligned throughout the work.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
This is such a lovely, serene poem, Denise! Your details are so simple yet quite vivid. You use simile very effectively in the line "Morning breaks as the night's dew, lingering like a lover's kiss". While they are not necessarily the most likely things to compare, it makes sense in the romantic tone of the piece. In your title, you allude to the fact that the setting is at Salem Lake, which is accessible to residents of Winston-Salem. One can picture such a pastoral scene at the lake right down the road. While a bird's song is not exactly a concrete symbol of Spring, it could be used that way here. You don't describe the actual robin, but the robin's song as the sun rises to welcome a fresh morning as we move away from winter. Gorgeous piece!
Hey Denise, your poem was really nice this week. I love the use of alliteration in your simile 'lingers like a lovers kiss'. You used both of these very well, especially combining them to make such a nice comparison. I love how you personified the light's reflection and how it flirts with you. I really enjoyed the imagery you used to compare the natural setting to something more relate-able to the reader born in the city. I really enjoyed how you wrote this piece and the style in which you wrote it. Good job!
Hey Denise, your poem was really nice this week. I love the use of alliteration in your simile 'lingers like a lovers kiss'. You used both of these very well, especially combining them to make such a nice comparison. I love how you personified the light's reflection and how it flirts with you. I really enjoyed the imagery you used to compare the natural setting to something more relate-able to the reader born in the city. I really enjoyed how you wrote this piece and the style in which you wrote it. Good job!
Hi Denise!
Your piece was really beautiful. You perfectly described a new morning dawning on Salem Lake. It was beautiful and I definitely felt like I was there with you. For me, it’s like you personified the dawn or something. You turned the sunrise into something that’s alive; like how when we first wake up in the mornings and yawn and stretch. Does that make sense? Your images were made even more powerful by the similes that you used throughout the piece. Your use of alliteration was also quite nice and helped the flow of the piece. You did a great job here!
~Crystal
This poem has some really good imagery. The way the rising of the sun is described is amazing. I also like how you use simile to compare the sensation you get to a lover's kiss because makes us understand the strong passion you encounter when seeing sun rise. I also love how you chose to insert a conflict is this poem. I found that most of the other poems were missing it. You chose to discuss the use the end of the darkness to be a death. Very well done!
--Monique Ahmad
Hi Denise,
I love the way you incorporated a relationship and love into this piece with nature. It was very nicely stated when you described how the "light reflects off the lake's surface" then you go on to describe how these sudden and quick reflections are the way he "winks and flirts" with you. the simile "flashes like paparazzi cameras" to insinuate the speed of the flashes. Very good job!
Deyanira Bustos
Denise,
I loved your poem. Your imagery is always really beautiful. Your use of figurative language made me feel like I was there, and I really appreciated that.
By far, my favorite part is stanza number two. The personification of the the light as it "winks and flirts" is truly a brilliant way to describe it. I knew it exactly what you were talking about, and you did it in such an imaginative way.
I also enjoyed the the simile of the light being like the paparazzi.
I thought this poem was very well done.
Nice job!
Denise,
First off, I loved the line "lingering like a lover's kiss." The alliteration was wonderful and it really personified the morning dew. Your imagery created a really beautiful scene. All throughout your piece, there's the relationship with the morning. I really liked that because we all have our own kind of relationship with nature. Great job! I really enjoyed this piece.
Rebecca
Denise,
Your piece was absolutely wonderful with extremely vibrant detailed imagery. I feel like you were describing each different sight in the stanza and you definitely described each one beautifully and uniquely, but I feel like each one had a different tone.
For example, the first stanza feels like the innocent love between two lovers. The second stanza feels like glimmering stardom. The third stanza feels slow and tired.
I feel like each description was incredibly well done and appealed to more than one sense, which is sometimes forgotten in nature pieces. However, the tone was slightly inconsistent throughout the piece as a whole. Nonetheless, this piece had extremely beautiful descriptions. I feel like you captured the essence of nature, specifically the morning, wonderfully. Well done!
Claire Smithers
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