1 Ahmad
Monique Ahmad
Joseph Cooper
Intro to CRWR
13 March 2014
No Stars?
I walk amongst hundreds upon thousands
Of tourists, professionals, and homeless.
Where is the green? The leaves?
Where is the earth that I started from?
As I push through people, I feel the cold pierce my body.
As my eyes begin to water, I look up too see….
The beauteous sky.
How could I forget that a piece of the universe
Is always with me.
Focusing again on the heavens above me, I see:
An endless gray canvas.
It’s spotless.
Not one star in sight.
It illuminates a strange light.
How unnatural, a night sky that illuminates.
I looked ahead to see red, white, and blue
Lights reaching every corner.
That’s why there are no stars.
Note: I have been New York City and there is not too much nature so I chose the sky because that’s all the nature I have seen in the last two days.
11 comments:
Hi Monique,
This is a wonderful poem!
I might consider changing the title to something about artificial light or stars.
I love the line: "Where is the earth that I started from?" We don't often consider where we came from, but considering the intention of this project was to embrace nature, it's wonderful to spill into this urban tumbleweed because it I think it forces us, and clearly you, to consider and and question where we started from. Yes!
I also really enjoy questioning how you could forget the universe is always with you. It's so easy, among the, corruptibility I believe you eloquently stated, to forget beauty, the universe, etc.
I love the metaphor of the sky, I presume, as the "gray canvas". It reminds me so much of my hometown in Buffalo, NY, the endlessness of darkened landscape.
Also, the image of illuminated darkness is so mysterious and captivating.
I think this piece ends too abruptly. We're just beginning to explore this canvas and then the piece ends. There's something to be said for its blank, grey and dismal tone, and I really think piece needs to explore more of that, more of the faces of the passersby, more of how the city juxtaposed with nature, illuminates your observations. Perhaps, consider what nature you do see, feel, a dirty breeze, a smell. Just don't forget that your senses can help identity nature as well.
Excellent work!
Prof. Cooper
The beginning of the poem reminds me of an animal’s prospective. The imagery of looking at something through someone or something else’s eyes was great. The poem also helps one realize that often we forget to look up or see what is right in front of us creating the feeling of presence. I would consider adding more recognition as well as tone to what you want the reader to encapsulate. However, great work.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
How cool that you've been in New York City, Monique! How very true that there is not much nature to be found. That is why I like your characterization of the stars, as though they are their own entity. Stars are a sign that civilization is further away and that there is (presumably) less human damage to the natural world. I loved the image of the cloudy sky being illuminated by the city lights instead of by the stars. It's almost like daylight at some points. However, in your experience, seeing the sky through the sea of buildings and people and it becomes a source of renewal and hope that you would get back to the natural world. Gorgeous piece!
Hi Monique,
I loved how even in the city you could find and connect with nature. Your poem had a very nice rhythm, almost soothing to read. Your description of the starless sky was very realistic...I remember coming home from traveling for work to NYC and being caught by the beauty of the night sky here in Carolina. Excellent imagery describing the sky as illuminating with light but not starlight.
Denise Bateman
Hi Monique!
I really loved your poem this week. The theme really touched a nerve in me. Your theme was more about the absence of nature in the modern world. When I was a child nature was something that people cherished, but now entire forests are being shredded and the land is being used to hold hotels, casinos, supermarkets, apartments, etc. Children also don’t spend any time outdoors anymore. I also appreciated the imagery and rhyme that you utilized throughout the piece. The imagery and the emotional depth were very nice. You did a great job!
~Crystal
Hi Monique, your use of language here really created a beautiful scene. Your imagery with the crowds and how the sky was starless was nicely done. I enjoyed how you depicted a feeling of restlessness without nature, and the tone of release and freedom when you saw the sky. I also detect a disappointed tone as if you long for more than just the drowned out night sky.Your use of diction worked well for you and your piece as a whole. I really enjoy how you compared the sky to a canvas, painted gray. You really showed your artistry in this piece, can't wait to read more!
Monique,
I loved this poem. The theme of artificial lights and electronics, drowning out the actual stars in the sky is such an interesting one.
The third stanza is probably my favorite. Your observation about a piece of nature always being with us, the sky, is so true. I feel like that should have been obvious to me, but it's something I had not thought about before.
I also found it interesting that you continued with the tercet format. I really enjoyed this poem, and I think it could be extended into an even longer piece, exploring the clash between city lights and stars.
Good job!
Hi Monique,
I love how instead of describing nature itself you go about to describe the city and how it does not allow you to see the actual nature itself, only the sky. Due to the vast amount of lights in the city, you are not allowed to see the stars that are up on the "endless gray canvas". The tone of this poem seams to be affirming and questioning. This was a very nice poem demonstrating the loss of nature and how humans have come to invade it. Very nice job!
Deyanira Bustos
Monique,
I really liked your piece. What we talked about in class is really evident here, the way the modern world has invaded nature. The sky seems so isolated and it is in New York. The rhythm was very soothing which made it lovely to read. I liked the metaphor of the "gray canvas" for the sky. The imagery you used for the lighted sky was very on point. Great job!
Rebecca
Monique,
This piece is really great and thought-provoking! I loved your focus on the minimal amount of nature in an urban mess. When I read this piece, I imagined a very dull and gloomy setting, almost black and white, and the only color in the setting was the sky. I think your idea and message of this piece was great, and maybe adding more detail about the imagery would have supported the message and made it more meaningful. You use periods after very short sentences, which adds to the dark tone. But I feel like you almost felt a glimmer of hope in the sky, so the short sentences sort of contrasted with the beauty of the sky. Also, I noticed you used periods after questions. Perhaps they were rhetorical, but nonetheless, I felt as though maybe they needed question marks. For example, in the third stanza the second and third line say
"How could I forget that a piece of the universe
Is always with me."
I feel as though a question mark would have made it seem like you're asking the reader so there is more of a personal connection to the reader, as though you're talking to us.
This is a really great piece! Thank you for sharing!
Claire Smithers
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