Deyanira Bustos
Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212
02/27/14
Carefree
One moment the sun rises
and then it sets
The moon comes up
and we sleep the night away
Then there goes another day
wasted and not enjoyed
Life goes by and
we continue to grow
We don’t know how to appreciate the
time we have until it’s gone
Like many things in life
we just don’t care
We continue to mistreat the things
we can’t afford to lose
Things are not given to us
we have to gain them
We have to learn to be spontaneous
and fearless like children
Enjoy the day with fun activities
and let our imagination run free
Get along with everyone
and not have to deal with problems
Be able to speak and be yourself
without being judged by others
Look forward to enjoying
the day and having fun
Being contempt for ourselves
and no one else
That is how life should be,
carefree.
9 comments:
Hi Deya,
I really enjoyed the reflective tone of your poem. There is tremendous truth in each line of your poem. The line "be spontaneous and fearless like children" stood out for me most. That phrase seemed to epitomize the theme of "carefree" - as adults we lose so much of our ability to live in the moment the way a child does. It brought to mind images of my little nephew - how his whole 3 year old world seems to revolve around only what is in his present sight or touch, his moment. I wasn't sure if your second to last line was actually intended to say "being contempt" or if perhaps you had meant "content"? I thought your poem also had a nice rhythm to it - it seemed to flow effortless from start to finish. Good job!
Denise Bateman
Hi Deya,
First off, I want to compliment you on the simplicity and whimsicality of your work.
The rhythm allows the reader to slide easily from one line to the next. You provide excellent use of enjambment and the tone of your piece accomplishes the "carefree" nature that you intended. Well done!
I do want to emphasize the importance of editing. When you write, "Being contempt for ourselves" I think you mean 'content in or with ourselves"
Also, and though this is not incorrect, I do want to mention that we "earn" things not necessarily "gain" them. Also, the benefit of using "earn" is that it rhymes with "learn" in your next line and also continues the repetition of 'ea' in your piece along with "fearless".
"Things are not given to us
we have to gain them
We have to learn to be spontaneous
and fearless like children"
Be sure to provide a better balance of show vs. tell. You tell us all these wonderful things we should do and appreciate, but if you provided more figurative language, more colorful imagery we might be able to better envision your intentions. Although I do rather enjoy the simile, "fearless like children". Provide more of those descriptions and I think this piece will really blossom.
Well done!
Prof. Cooper
Hey Deya. I really enjoyed how you used the tone to set up your poem to help the reader. Your poem as a whole is beautiful and even so in dissected bits. I enjoy your theme of being care-free and letting go. Your diction was so simple and yet it worked so well for your piece. Can't wait to read more from you!
Hi Deya!
I really enjoyed your poem this week. I appreciated the theme of your poem and how life should be carefree. I also appreciated your use of tone is also interesting. I imagine it like the tone of an adult who is sitting in some quiet place reflecting on their lives and things that they wish they could do differently. Your images you were also quite powerful. Great job with your piece!
~ Crystal
To me, this poem read like a song would, which gives it a certain rhythm. I like your use of enjambment because it makes each stanza sound like a continuation of the previous thought. Your use of imagery with the sun and the moon was nice because it represents the passing of time, even in a poem. Your overall theme was great, even though it didn't necessarily need to be stated outright. Good job!
The style is this piece was interesting. It allowed a good flow when reading the poem and just looking at it was fun. This also added onto the meaning of the poem because it seemed "carefree." The blank verse adds a sort of spontaneity to the piece. Because their is no rhyme, we see that you did not focus on trying follow the laws of typical poetry, but you chose to write what felt right and got your point across. This piece kind of has reversal because we expect it to tell us to be organized; rather, it tells to be more free-willing.
--Monique Ahmad
I like how the poem enchants the reader to become carefree by using figurative language and comparison and contrast. The title paints the theme and creates the tone for the reader so it is easy to understand, while conveying a message. Also I like how the repetition of,” we,” engages the reader to think within themselves.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
Deya,
This piece is so inspirational and has many lessons within it. I really enjoyed the form of this piece. I'm not sure if the indents were intentional or not but it was a nice touch. I think the point of view that you wrote this in was great. By using the first person plural, "we", it almost seemed like you were encouraging the readers and it put more meaning into the message, like, "we all need to do this." This was a really simple yet refreshing piece.
Thanks for sharing!
Claire Smithers
Deyanira,
I loved the tone of your poem. I thought the rhyme used sparingly throughout really gave it a nice rhythm and flow. The topic of what it means to be carefree was such a nice one to read about. I like that certain lines are instructing the reader in how to be carefree. Very nice. Great job!
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