Denise Bateman
Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212 Y
February 13, 2014
Thursday
Thursday was payday. It sat precedent for the upcoming
weekend…sobriety or drunken stupor. Odds were always on the latter. If he was
home by 6:00 p.m., luck was on your side. If home later, you knew the next
three days would be filled with slurred speech and the endless “snap” of another
beer can being opened. This particular Thursday was different though. It was
late August…I remember having already taken my bath in prep for going to bed
but it was still somewhat daylight outside. My hair was still wet from the
shower and feet bare, and although the light of day was waning, I walked
outside and sat down in one of the wicker rocking chairs on the front porch,
watching fireflies flicker across the yard, still hopeful to see him before I
slept. I saw the headlights of his car
coming down our long drive. He parked the old Buick but sat for a few minutes
before getting out, then looked at me and half-smiled. Still sat for a moment
longer as if trying to summon the energy the get out of the car. Slowly he
walked up the steps and leaned against the porch railing. I waited for him to
speak, and when he did, he simply said “Your grandmother died this afternoon. Anyone
told you yet?” I shook my head and started to speak, but before I had time to
say anything, he sat down on the porch floor and began to weep. Sobbed,
shoulders shaking and tears spotting his dark blue work shirt as they dripped
from his face. It was the first time, and the only time, I ever saw my father
cry. I was eleven years old.
10 comments:
Hi Denise,
This is such a vivid and heartbreaking story, truly encapsulating the Realism of human nature.
A few notes:
Avoid ellipses. They don't really, grammatically, add anything to the sentence other than to indicate an omission or absence of language. That doesn't seem to be the case here.
You provide a wonderful use of assonance with "fireflies flicker" and "Sobbed, shoulders shaking..."
This creative work epitomizes Saterstrom's attempt at singular occasion. I might omit the final sentence because it doesn't really add anything to your story, and based on the previous details, it's understood that you were a child.
I might break this up into two paragraphs beginning the second with "It was late August". This is because you have a clear transition and pause.
Excellent use of imagery, and clear depiction of your scene using literal language, introduction of characters, and even plot.
Wonderful work here! It seems the short story is really a medium that works for you.
Prof. Cooper
Hello Denise,
This is a very emotional and sad work, it is very intense and you describe very well the feelings of your dad. This seams like a very impacting moment to you, noting that it was the first time you saw your father cry as well as loosing your grandmother. This story also describes a lot of difficulties that you faced as a child. Very well done, it was a good work.
Deyanira Bustos
Wow. You made this piece very emotional without doing so in an obvious way. Death is a hard thing to write about, I think, but you did so very well. Everyone can relate to this in some way.
I really was moved by this piece. The foreshadowing used with the image of your father coming home and half smiling at you from the car before talking to you was used well. Your imagery was wonderful and really made the reader feel in touch with the scene.
I like the truthfulness of the story as it projects realism and lost innocence. Consider choosing words of feeling in order to depict more internal emotion. For example, acceptance, admiration, adoration, affection, and afraid are just a few.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
My grandmother died when I was 13 and being in that age range makes coping with death quite hard. Maybe you could expand on this in a later story? It's a unique experience that could be interesting to think about.
This piece was very well written. The way you described the day was very grabbing and it helped see the exactly what was happening around you while you experienced this. The emotions in this story were very well portrayed and I could feel not only your emotions, but your fathers as well. Very sad!
--Monique Ahmad
Denise,
Your story actually made me cry a little. It was a very emotional scene. I think you did a great job with the imagery and setting of your work. You set everything up perfectly. Your father's dialogue was the most heartbreaking part, and I could feel the pain in that moment.
Great job!
Denise,
This was a very moving piece. The dialogue of your father really hit hard, I didn’t see it coming. Your use of such literal language reflected that you were fairly young and it added to the overall scene of the story. The way you set up the scene using such descriptive imagery was great. It was though I was there watching. Thank you so much for sharing your story about such a relatable topic.
Rebecca
Hi Denise!
After reading your work all I can say is "wow!" It was a very moving piece that definitely had me tearing up.
First of all, you painted some very vivid pictures for us. I could see everything in my head as you described them. I could also feel the narrator's hope that he wouldn't be drinking. The tone was hopeful, yet resigned to what the narrator viewed as the inevitable (him drinking). I could also appreciate you use of onomatopoeia (the "snap" of the can) and alliteration throughout the piece (Fireflies flickered).
The piece was beautiful and sad all at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal family moment with us. I can't wait to read more of your work in the coming weeks!
Post a Comment