Monique Ahmad
Professor Cooper
Intro. To Creative Writing
27 February 2014
Left To Run
I remember thinking that she thought she was better than us because she kept telling us not to go. All we talked about was us going. We were the only seniors that had never been to a party. Everyday for 3 and half years we were on the top of our class. We ruled our kingdom, our school. Everyone knew our futures were secured. We were the definition of losers. I was tired of being seen as a loser. I wanted to know what made them cool.
Spencer Thomas, the school miscreant or in my eyes, the big mystery. He invited us to “The Party.” How could we deny such an offer (we may never get such a chance again). He walked up to me, with his regular black jeans and intimidating moon shaped scar on his right eye. “You all wanna come out for a party on Friday?” I wanted to be as confident and put together as he was, but all that came out was “Umm...sure...” My eyes met the other 5 girls sitting with me. They looked just as confused and excited as me, except for Megan. “He’s a druggie! Are you nuts!!! We are NOT going to that party!” The rest of us exchanged looks of understanding. We were going to this party. No matter what she said.
On Friday we told our parents we were going to Megan’s house and told Megan we had various obligations. 15 miles, 20 minutes and a highway away was 158 Glenville Drive. It looked nothing like a house. It was the vacant parking lot of an abandoned warehouse. “What the hell!” I say under my breath. None of us were expecting this. No backing out now.
Laughter erupted from the distance, but it wasn't gleeful laughter. The horror traveled through me instantly. We followed the laughter. “Hey” whispered an unseen voice. The four of us jumped in unison. We turned to see a smirking Spencer. He started to step towards the laughter, we followed in silence. Within the darkness was a light, yet the light brought no hope. Before we even got close enough to see faces we could see alcohol, blood and….guns. My head scanned the premise in panic. I tried to back away, but it was too late. We were spotted and challenged.
Next thing I knew I was standing with a gun in hand, facing my opponent. A husky voice said “Go!” Before it registered in my head, a gun shoot spiraled toward me. Silent screams erupted from within me…..My head crashes tar.
I awaken in an empty parking lot. I sit up to find Megan…..covered in blood. She was dead. I jumped in terror. Body shaking, I didn't know what to do. I searched for help, but I realized I was running….Far away…..
I wish I had listen.
10 comments:
Note to Professor Cooper:
I hope I did this right. I wasn't sure if The Lion King counted or not.
--Monique Ahmad
Hi Monique,
This isn't quite what I was expecting, but it works!
This was a very interesting piece and you did a wonderful job bringing scenes from this film into our contemporary real life.
You present to us a very engaging story with twists and turns, so much so that I would love to see this elaborated upon, spun into perhaps a short story. I want to know more about this group of overachievers and why they are drawn to this scar-faced miscreant. What is it about their angelic ways that is so affected by his demonic tendencies?
What is so significant about this story?
Why tell it?
How did the narrator survive?
Was everyone else killed?
Provide more detail. Let us know more about them, at least the narrator. You provide really interesting description but I'm still looking for more figurative language, comparisons that help us envision more succinctly the story.
Never begin a sentence with a numerical figure:
"15 miles, 20 minutes and a highway away was 158 Glenville Drive."
Always write it out: fifteen. It's one of those unspoken rules of MLA.
Keep your tenses consistent. You bounce back and forth between past and present.
When you write:
"My head scanned the premise in panic," I think you mean "premises" and "...a gun shoot spiraled toward me," you meant "a gun shot...", and finally "I wish I had listen" should be 'listened'.
Wonderful work here! I look forward to seeing your thoughts evolve.
Prof. Cooper
Hey Monique,
I was intrigued by your fiction and wanted to know more about the characters you introduced. I thought you did a good job of setting up some conflict between narrator and Megan with narrator wanting to go to the party and Megan trying to convince her otherwise. Your description of Spencer's appearance did make me think of him as potential trouble, with his intimidating scar and reference to drug use. I liked the line "within the darkness was a light, but the light brought no hope" - it added depth to the tone of your piece. I was curious how Megan ended up in the empty parking lot, and dead, as she was supposedly not going to the party? I wanted to know more about events that lead her there. Interesting piece and I enjoyed reading it.
Denise Bateman
Hey Monique, loved that you used The Lion King. I love the imagery used to describe the characters in comparison to the original. I also think the irony of the ending and how one choice caused such an extreme outcome. The characters used fit the story well and I think you used a good style in order to depict the story. Can't wait to read more from you! I would suggest adding more detail about what happened.
Hi Monique!
I really enjoyed reading your piece this week! It was a very engaging and modern Lion King tale. It kept my attention from start to finish. Great job!
I immediately connected to your characters. You presented us with a band of overachievers who just want a taste of fun and freedom, so when they are presented with an opportunity they jump on it. I could definitely relate to that. I also liked how you used conflict in the piece. Should we go or should we stay? Why didn’t I just listen? That type of conflict is something that everyone experiences at one point in their lives and it’s a great component of peer pressure, so I’m glad you included it. I really think it helped your piece seem more authentic. I also appreciated the imagery that you piece evoked. I think more details could have enriched the imagery, but it was good nonetheless.
I can’t wait to read more of your work in the coming weeks!
Hey Monique,
This was a very interesting and great work that you wrote this week. It was very intriguing and there seamed to be a lot of conflict that was going on throughout the story. This is something every teenager can relate to and it it is very extraordinary how far many people go in order to fit in and be acknowledged by others. I like how you display dialogue in your work in order to make it more real and interesting to the reader. Great job!
Deyanira Bustos
"The Lion King" was one of my favorite movies as a kid, and I could picture the scene in the movie that most likely inspired this piece. I like that you included the symbol of the scar, since that represents brutishness. There is a conflict between Megan and the narrator in the beginning it is brought to a heartbreaking conclusion. I also liked the characterization of Spencer Thomas as the classic villain that takes advantage of the protagonist. Perhaps you can add some details later to add some richness to the setting. Good job.
Monique,
This is a very interesting piece. It took me a few minutes to tie it to Lion King in my head, but I just haven't seen the movie in awhile. I enjoyed your piece, it almost seemed like a teen angst type of story. The way girls just wanted to fit in is easy to relate to. I loved the suspenseful ending and the imagery throughout the piece. Well done! I would just recommend editing the piece before submitting it and perhaps lengthening the sentences to add complexity and depth to the writing.
Great job! Thanks!
Claire Smithers
Interesting story, I like the exposition. It gives the reader a dramatic story, however, I would like to see more rising action towards the end. I think this would give the reader more insight into the characters and how it ties into, "The Lion King."
Thanks for sharing
Jason Faulkner
Monique,
I really enjoyed your modern portrayal of The Lion King! I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but I took the laughing as a metaphor for hyenas. You set the scene really well, and there was a build up of suspense until the very end. Your use of dialogue for the characters worked was very nice, as well. Great job!
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