Joseph Cooper
CRWR 212
2/13/14
It was cold out. The sky was bright and snow was falling. The ground was covered. White paradise. There was plenty, enough to build a snowman. Fingers numb and cold as the snow was gathered, swishing and swaying. It was assembled, piece by piece, making sure everything fit in place, like a puzzle. It’s arms were branches. It’s eyes were leafs. It’s smile, a banana peel. His name, Pinocio. A great accomplishment. My first snowman. A moment to cherish.
11 comments:
I love this. It almost sounds like you become one with the snowman with the cold fingers. The sense of pride is so palpable. How old were you when this moment occurred?
-Anna Boyer
I like how this happened today with me and you use this moment. Nice imagery and your vocabulary use was nice. Enjoyed reading about a shared experience, you captured it pretty well.
Hi Deya,
First off, I really loved the innocence in this experience. I think most of us have had the experience of building a snowman, or at least some seasonal connection to childhood.
Though I generally leave creative licence to writers, I wanted to be sure you were aware of the fragmentary nature of you sentences and the incorrect use of "its". So be sure to make the necessary corrections upon revision.
I'm wondering about the descriptions. Does snow clatter? I does swish, but be sure you're using realistic comparisons unless you're planning to explore a completely contradictory experience with your snowman.
Also, great use of staccato writing, but be sure to provide further necessary details. Elaborate on your moment where you think we could benefit from you painting a more vivid picture.
Well done,
Prof. Cooper
Such an appropriate memory considering the weather this week! I think you really make your reader feel the experience of building the snowman by recalling the cold wet fingers -- I can remember my gloves always got wet and fingers would be almost numb when playing outside in snow as a child. I can clearly see the face of your snowman...the banana peel smile and leaf eyes. I enjoyed this piece.
I also like the sensory nature of this piece. The cold and gathering the materials for the snowman's face especially.
I apologize for the many comments but I love feeding off of other people's thoughts. There is almost an element of magic in this piece. The tale of Pinochio came to mind and so did that childlike innocence. What a great recollection of a special experience.
Even though this poem was about such a simple thing, it was very powerful. I could see how building this snowman made you feel. I liked how the story starts out with a description of the snow and subtly leads into the actual subject of the story. This creates a sense of suspense and keeps the reader involved in the rest of the story.
--Monique Ahmad
Deyanira,
I very much enjoyed your description of building your first snowman. I thought the details of what each part of your snowman was made of was a good use of imagery. It really helped me envision what you saw. I liked the alliteration of "swishing and swaying." This read very much like a poem to me with the rhythm you established. I thought you captured a very sweet moment from your childhood. Good job!
--Keisha Strickland
Deyanire,
This piece brought back memories of me playing in the snow. Your imagery was so descriptive, especially when describing your cold and numb hands. I loved the alliteration of “swishing and swaying.” The rhythm you created by making your sentences short gave a great flow to the whole piece. One thing I did notice was the use of “it’s” instead of “its.” Other than that, I thought it was really good!
Rebecca
Hi Deyanira!
I really enjoyed reading your piece. I love the innocence that you put on display for everyone.
The first thing I noticed about your work was its rhythm. You wrote in short sentences that I tend to equate with innocence because it reminds me of how a young child would write about an experience To me, that made the work more powerful. Was that done on purpose? I also appreciated the imagery that you evoked with your descriptions. It was almost like I was there. I could almost feel the cold snow in my hands. I can also appreciate the alliteration that you utilized throughout the piece.
You created a very beautiful picture and I really enjoyed reading it...thank you! I can't wait to read more of your work in the coming weeks!
I love the descriptiveness of the snowman and your comparison to a white paradise. The transitions were good try to go more in depth in trying to get the reader to understand what you want the reader to take away and feel from your work.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
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