Monique Ahmad
Cooper
CRWR 212 Y
13 February 2014
We turned onto my street and I saw the three of them walking into our house. I saw him for the first time. We didn't say anything, but everyone talked around us. It happened again and we didn't talked again. But when we met alone, we couldn't stop talking and laughing. He talked and talked until we had to stop. I knew it wasn't the end, but a start of a future.
10 comments:
Hi Monique,
Where is your title? Remember titles are the first impressions of your work.
A few thoughts:
"We turned onto my street and I saw the three of them walking into our house. [CONFUSING TO GO FROM THEM TO HIM GRAMMATICALLY] I saw him for the first time. We didn't say anything, but everyone talked around us. It happened again and we didn't talked [TALK] again. But when we met alone, we couldn't stop talking and laughing. He [OR WE] talked and talked until we had to stop. I knew it wasn't the end, but a start of a future.
Please note the few grammatical issues/editing mistakes in your story. Be sure to reread and correct before submitting.
First off, I'm intrigued by the anonymity in characters, exposed only through pronouns because they could potentially be anyone, everyone. However, the fact that you don't really provide detail, explanation, setting, plot, any tangible descriptions for your audience to grasp onto is problematic. It is wonderfully poetic, and in a poetic setting, with broken lines, perhaps it wouldn't be necessary, but even Saterstrom's scattered memories have moments where readers can relate, envision, comprehend.
Also, even though I understand that young love, as it seems, is blind-siding, I have a difficult time accepting that no other details were memorable. At the very least, what was discussed?
So, while I applaud the simplicity, the bare bones of this story, as a reader, I want more. Think about what else can be explored here. What other details are necessary? What other language or devices can be implemented to more vividly paint this picture?
Well done!
Prof. Cooper
Hi Monique,
I like the way in which you were able to express that single moment. The way he made you feel, it seamed like you guys were happy. I also like how you describe at the end that more of him you would see in your future. This gave the reader to understand that there is more than just this. Great Job.
Deyanira Bustos
I like the breadth of emotions in your story. While the characters are anonymous, this gives us an idea about their relationships. It just makes me curious about these people's relationship to you, then and now.
I really like how you point out two different sides of this relationship. Together alone you have so much fun and laughter. When others come in, it's as if they're intruding or adding pressure to a setting. I do wish to know more, if you feel comfortable sharing that with us.
I wanted to know more! Interesting that you could talk endlessly with this person when alone with him. Made me wonder if you met him alone secretly, maybe a secret love or a forbidden love? Made me wonder if the relationship flourished and if you are still friends. The piece was mysterious, and I liked that, but just wanted to know more about what happened with the two of you. My mind wanders off in many directions trying to assume the outcome, and because of that, I think your writing was effective. It made me want to keep reading and learning more.
I like how it expressed how so often we see someone in passing and often can turn into something more. However, I want to visualize more. What were his features that caught your eye, what event was going on in your house, and how did you finally meet alone? While I love the simplicity and shortness I think the presence of the moment and future could be elaborated further to give the reader more insight as well as depth and feeling.
Thanks for sharing
Jason Faulkner
I would love to see this story elaborated! With the anonymous "him", I am curious as to how the relationship continued to develop. Of course, it is hard to share personal details, so please don't stray too far from what's comfortable, as others have said!
Monique,
I liked the rhythm of your story, and it was poetic in style. I would have liked to get a sense of setting and imagery to help me imagine the scene more clearly, because I could tell this was a significant moment for you. Meeting someone for the first time, and having so much to talk about is always a fun experience.
Good job!
Monique,
I really enjoyed having a small glimpse into what seems to be a very important moment in your life. The rhythm of the short sentences, somewhat broken, made it seem like you didn’t want the reader to have a full idea as to what was happening. The lack of imagery contributed to that feeling. I could somewhat picture a setting when you described walking down a street, but that was the only picture I really got. Good job!
Rebecca
Hi Monique!
First of all, thank you for sharing a moment in your life that is obviously very important to you. I know that's never easy, so thanks again!
I have to say that I'm a bit confused by the beginning of your story. There are grammatical issues that contribute to that I'm sure, so you should be aware of that in the future. I also have to wonder if that was intentional though. Like, maybe you were confused at the time, so that confusion is bleeding through into your writing...?
You used very literal language that was broken at times, so I feel like that was intentional and is how you felt at the time. The characters are quite mysterious and the readers are left wondering who, what, when, and where. I feel like that was also intentional, but I'm not sure why.
You painted a few good images, but the story could be more powerful is you described more.
Thank you so much for sharing and I can't wait to read more of your work in the coming weeks!
Post a Comment