Keisha Strickland
Cooper
CRWR 212-Y
Februrary 13, 2014
Snowed In, Locked Out
The snow hadn’t been more than six or seven inches, but it had packed tight against the door and there was no way to open it. My father shoved again, putting his shoulder into that time, but still the door didn’t budge. My brother’s face lit up with malicious glee. “Hey, I know,” he said, “Lets get Keisha to climb out of the window. She can dig the snow away from the door!”
The windows were quite small in our little double-wide at the time, but I was small even for a five-year old. I would fit with plenty of room to spare. My sister, grinning from ear to ear said, “Yeah, put Keisha through the window!”
I had wanted to play in the snow all morning so I was up for it, but my mom hesitated. She didn’t want me to get cold, she said. What if my hands were too cold to dig and they couldn't get out to me? She worried a lot, my mom. My brother, sister, and I begged, and finally she relented. But by the time she was done layering me up in clothes it wasn’t looking good for me fitting through what had ten minutes before looked like a massive space. “I…I don’t think I’ll fit anymore, mommy,” I said looking uncertainly at the window and then back down at my thickly padded body.
My brother said, “Oh you’ll fit.” He and my sister pushed and pushed, and finally I plopped softly out and down onto the white, snow-covered porch. I knew my job. I had to rescue my family! I dug relentlessly at the door with my tiny hands until it was completely cleared. “Okay,” I yelled. “You can open the door now!”
My brother and sister had locked me out. They were grounded. I built a snowman.
Note from Author: I was originally going to write about something completely different, but the weather today reminded me of my earliest and funniest memory of the snow (well, this and my brother falling on ice five years later as a teenager). Hope everyone is safe and warm!
9 comments:
Hi Keisha,
This is such a wonderful story. It reminds me so much of torturing my younger brothers (HA!).
I love the vivid details describing each family member's expressions and intentions. I can so clearly envision all of you in your respective roles.
I do recommend practicing a tightening of language. For example:
"The snow hadn’t been more than six or seven inches, but it had packed tight against the door and there was no way to open it."
Even though it snowed only six or seven inches our door was packed closed with no hope of opening it.
This reduction in language not only helps clarity, but grammatically, keeps you attentive to the rules of language.
Also, your story develops wonderfully, but then we get to the end and you just, sort of, stop with these three staccato lines:
"My brother and sister had locked me out. They were grounded. I built a snowman."
They abruptly conclude your story, but really require further explanation. Consider elaborating a bit, even just a few more sentences to lead us more concisely through those final moments.
While you practice a tremendous use of literal language and Realism, consider more figurative language (metaphor, personification, etc.) to liven the moment, perhaps even more from a child's perspective.
Excellent work!
Prof. Cooper
Hi Keisha,
I really enjoyed your work it is very childlike and playful. I enjoy the way you describe the size of the window and how you were bundled making it seam like you wouldn't be able to fit through it. I enjoy how your brother was being evil and malicious, just like all brothers are. Good job.
Deyanira Bustos
I laughed so hard at this piece because your descriptions leading up to the final moment illustrate sibling relationships perfectly. I love your description of the process of getting dressed to go outside and how that changed your perception of the space.
I love your piece. You really express a child-like excitement about the weather. I love the image of how the window seemed to change sizes as your mom dressed you. As a child everything is seen in such a unique perspective.
So appropriate considering the weather we had last week! For me, you made me laugh and brought to mind one of my favorite holiday movies, "A Christmas Story", as you described your mom wrapping you up in multiple layers until you were almost unrecognizable, just like the character Randy in the movie. Also could clearly envision the windows you described in your story. I too lived in a double wide once and remember the size of the windows in my bedroom there. Completely enjoyed this work!
I like how you project innocence through your character and descriptions. It reminds me of me and my brother when we were small, and how he would always get me into something but then it would backfire. The plot sets the stage for your great ending, “ And I got to build a snowman,” further delving into the depth of innocence.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
This story made me feel happy and worried at the same time. This piece brought out my childhood desire to play in the snow. I think this was written perfectly. I wish you could elaborate a little more on how you felt while you were shoveling the snow. I think it would have added a bit more emotion to the poem. I liked the ending because I could connect to how my siblings use to trick me.
--Monique Ahmad
Hi Keisha!
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us! It was hilarious! It made me think of my first memories with the snow and how my younger brother always tortured me. Siblings are mean little boogers sometimes...haha!
I really appreciated the childlike innocence that your language conveyed. I also appreciated the playful tone that you maintained throughout the entire story. Your images were also powerful and vivid. I could literally see the snow in my head and see your father trying to open the door.
I do have a question though. What do you mean by "malicious glee?" I thought that was an odd descriptive word choice in an otherwise happy and play piece.
I can't wait to read more of your work in the coming weeks!
Keisha
This is such a cute story. I really liked the rhythm of the last two sentences. I could picture a little kid smiling while saying that, pleased at the outcome. The dialogue between your siblings with your mother really seemed like a really great example of sibling relationships. The imagery used when describing your siblings was really great. Your word choice seemed to represent their character well.
Rebecca
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