Anna Boyer
Cooper
CRWR212
February 13,
2014
Family
Tree Moment: Saterstrom Style
Matanzas,
2007. The summer before my senior year of high school, I traveled to Matanzas,
Cuba. It was everything I expected and totally different at the same time.
Flying in, we see the hazy forest in stark contrast with the colorful concrete
buildings and old cars. The city smells like a sweet combination of sunscreen,
sweat, cigarettes, and diesel gasoline. It’s like stepping into a different
time. I made several friends during that incredible period of ten days, but one
is a special friend. She invited me into her concrete home with flowery bed
sheets covering the windows. I met her family and her pets and shared a meal of
rice, beans, and fried plantains with them. That experience will remain one of
the most remarkable of my life, even in its simplicity. My sister went three
years later, to the same community. People remembered me and got to know our
family through those shared experiences.
11 comments:
Hi Anna,
Wonderful story!
Omit the first line, and the last two, only because they don't really add anything to your story. This is a great example of tightening language and saying only what encourages the writing.
I love the sensory details in line four, and really wanted more of that throughout your piece. How could you have related that to the experience with meeting your "special friend"?
Also, names of the people, further descriptions of the concrete home, other specifics could really help your readers engage more closely with this experience. Why was it so important, so influential? You have a moment that is precious to you, but one also that most of us will never have, so you're somewhat obliged to paint more descriptively the scene, the people, again the sensory experience of being someplace once in a lifetime.
Remember even though this is prose, figurative language, even form, as we see with Saterstrom's work, can deliberately affect the overall comprehension and intention of a piece.
Be sure to keep tenses consistent. You move from past to present.
Excellent work! Show me more!
Prof. Cooper
Hi Anna,
Really like this piece. I like the detail you gave to describing the smell of the location...could almost smell the place just hearing your description. I was very curious about your special friend and wanted to know more about that friendship. Do you still keep in touch? Do you have plans of visiting Cuba again? Was this experience more special because you haven't traveled anywhere else as exotic?
Denise Bateman
Hey Anna,
I really enjoy the imagery in your work. You were able to capture the picture nicely and had very good descriptions, allowing people to see and also imagine the smell. Sounds like a very intimate and fun experience.
Deyanira Bustos
Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate the suggestions.
I really enjoy this one, mostly because it is so different from others. Your moment was placed later in life than most other pieces this week but it became so much better because of it. I love how you used your language skills to share the sights and smells you encountered
I do plan on visiting Cuba again, especially since I was only 18 when I went. I think that I would have a different appreciation for the culture and people now. I do keep in touch with my friend through Facebook and written letters. Thank goodness for technology!
I really enjoyed the part where you see Cuba for the first time. I could actually visualize what you were seeing. I liked how you chose particular experiences from your ten day trip because that made it easier for me to see what you went through. I also liked how you connected it to a bigger picture, with making a comparison to your sisters experience.
--Monique Ahmad
Anna,
I enjoyed reading about this experience of yours. I like that it happened more recently. The image you provide when describing the "hazy forest in stark contrast with the colorful concrete buildings and old cars," really helped me envision the setting of your piece. I also enjoyed the style you wrote this in. It almost felt like a journal entry where you were making a note of a great time so you won't forget it.
I would love to see even more detail about this trip. I know we had to keep these short, but it sounds like such an interesting time. :) Good job!
Anna,
I’ve always wanted to travel to Cuba and your story really made it seem like I was there. The imagery was so descriptive. My favorite part is when you’re describing the smells of the city. The sense of smell really contributed to your overall description of the setting. Great job!
Rebecca
Hi Anna!
I really enjoyed reading your work this week. It read like a journal entry, which was nice. It's like you valued the experience so much that you have recorded it in a journal so you never have to worry about forgetting it.
I'm glad that you let us know where in Cuba you visited. Understanding the setting of the piece really helped me to understand the context. For instance, a concrete home with flowery sheets for curtains wouldn't have made as much sense without the setting being known. Does that make sense?
I also appreciated the details that you used to paint the images of the concrete homes and the contrast between the hazy forest and the city itself.
Thank you for this amazing story and I can't wait to read more of your work in the coming weeks!
What a great moment, I would consider adding more touch, hear, smell descriptions, this way the reader can experience the moment in depth with you. Also analogies, metaphors, similes, are a great way to project to the reader imagery.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
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