Crystal
Fulp
Cooper
CRWR 212Y
2/20/14
Why You
and I
Why do you and I
Pass each other with barely a word?
Why do you and I
Use our words and swords?
Why do you and I
Pretend to love when all we do is hate?
Why do you and I
Struggle to make it work when it’s obviously too late?
Why do you and I
Hate when it’s so easy to love?
Why do you and I
Shove, shove, shove?
Why do you and I
Fight what should be easy?
Why do you and I
Ignore each other just because we’re busy?
All of these reasons
Is why you and I are uneasy.
Author's Note: I don't know if this is prose or not, so please help me! I'm also sorry if it's a terrible attempt...
10 comments:
Hi Crystal,
A few notes before I discuss all the goodness of your piece. This is not a prose poem. A prose poem is a poem written in paragraph form with complete sentences, and sometimes fragments. But the lines are not broken like other forms of poetry. Also, you were supposed to take a title from the opening section that we read, but that's excusable. Maybe write a prose poem for the next assignment.
Ok, that being said, I really enjoyed your work. I love the repetition of the opening line. It's constantly putting us (the you and I, the author and reader) at odds with each other. Also, I really loved the subtle rhyme used, shove and love. I find that rhyme, when used extensively is really overwhelming, but this is so gentle and subtle.
I would love to see more abstract concepts working throughout this piece as opposed to literal language. More words and swords, more images bombarding us in this relationship.
The last four lines are a bit anti-climactic for me. The second last couplet seems a little redundant to the opening couplet. And the final couplet, not only is grammatically incorrect, but less a final blow than I really wanted. Be sure to go out strong, unless of course the calmness/subtlety of the final couplet is meant to emphasize weakness, how there is nothing left fighting for in this relationship.
Excellent work here. Maybe consider elaborating a bit, providing more vision and detail.
Prof. Cooper
Thanks Professor Cooper! I'll write a prose poem for the next assignment.
Also, thanks for the suggestions. I'll definitely try to improve this particular poem.
Hey Crystal,
I enjoyed the rhyme in your poem. I think it was effective to use all of the lines of your poem as a question and then using the last line of the poem as a statement. Made me think of arguing with a loved one to the point of exhaustion and then just stopping all of the questions because you can't get answers you want. I enjoyed your poem.
Denise Bateman
This was a great read. I can almost see your mind trying to answer these incredibly difficult questions as the piece goes on. I especially liked your metaphor of using words as a sword; it brings together many of the challenges of the relationship you describe. I enjoyed reading this!
I like the repetition it is very descriptive in asking the question "Why” It seems like the painting of love as the definition of insanity, "continuously doing the same thing over and expecting different results." The rhyme in the poetry helps the reader associate with the piece. I thought it told a great story I am not sure why it’s not prose either, but I guess we will find out in class on Tuesday.
Thanks for sharing,
Jason Faulkner
I really liked your piece Crystal! You really exemplified the emotional turmoil of a faulty relationship. I enjoy your repetition of the question as emphasis on your frustration. I would suggest adding in imagery to give the reader a better view of the relationship. Are there any positive sides? Is the entirety of the relationship negative? More details would really add to your beautiful piece.
Hi Crystal,
I really enjoyed the emotion that was incorporated into your work. It is nice the way in which you used repetition into your work by repeating "Why You and I". Very nice work!
Deyanira Bustos
I love repetition in this poem. Though it may seem a little redundant to some, I think it emphasizes the point of your poem. I also thought that the emotion in the poem was very well portrayed. I liked how you juxtaposed feelings to help your audience feel the way you did.
--Monique Ahmad
Crystal,
I like the parallelism of this piece, it adds to an interesting structure. I like how you chose something that so many people have experienced. I can say that I have definitely felt this way before. I was almost hoping for a more tragic ending or even a happy ending rather than just an explanation/summation of the poem. Nonetheless, I enjoyed your piece.
Thanks!
Claire Smithers
Crystal,
I really enjoyed the rhyming in your piece. It was constant but not overwhelming. The repetition of “shove, shove, shove” showed a growing frustration. That frustration juxtaposed with your feelings of love and caring depicted a conflict we all have faced. I like the structure of your piece too. It looks clean and it emphasizes the root of the questions. Good job!
Rebecca
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